The Myth of Personal Independence. Are You Falling for It?
Posted on Balanced Lifestyle, Balanced Mind and Soul, Most Popular | October 20, 2009 | 25 Comments
This post was written by Anastasiya. Follow me on Twitter or StumbleUpon and keep your life balanced!
Today my husband and I celebrate our two-year wedding anniversary and I want to devote this post to him. My husband Brian is my best friend and the strongest support that I have in life and I am very thankful to him for being here for me every day of the week, every minute of the hour.
Image by Elizabeth Scott PhotographyLast week we had a professional photo shoot at a nearby farm. My girls were the stars and you can find more pictures of them here
Independence? That’s middle class blasphemy. We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.
George Bernard Shaw
Being independent is considered the biggest treasure that modern society has achieved. A lot of people build their lives on being independent and not needing anybody else. Strong independent women are marching along with strong independent men and they are raising strong independent children who do not need any help or support.
When I moved to the US I was shocked at how much independence was praised here. You can hardly find a 20-year old person still living with their parents (they prefer taking loans and getting credit to pay for their apartment because living with parents is considered so uncool). Women build their own careers forgetting about their husbands and children. Men treat their jobs like the most important part of their life because these jobs give them financial independence. A true friend is a person who you meet a couple of times a year when both of you have a few free minutes in your busy schedules.
To me independence sounds like a synonym to loneliness and depression (more than half of Americans state that they lack deep family bonds and this is the main reason for their depression and stress). I prefer to be happy and balanced rather than independent and depressed.
If you are looking for life balance then you should learn to ask for help and support. Having emotional support as well as help with everyday tasks and chores will do wonders for you. People are social creatures who need a community to bond with people around them. If everybody was truly so independent then we would have had a much higher rate of hermits living among us.
I have realized the true importance of help and support when I became a mom. In Ukraine (my native country) being a mom means that you receive support from everybody around you. My mom spent almost every evening at our house, playing with the babies and helping me with the everyday chores. My friends were always eager to go for a walk with me and the babies or to help when my husband was busy working (some of them were even willing to babysit at any time). Of course I am extremely happy to have a husband (he is an American) who understands my needs and with whom I have a very deep emotional bond. He is still my strongest support system. In Ukraine people feel comfortable asking for help and providing this help to one another and I have not noticed much of this in the US.
Independence might be really good for you if all you want in life is money, a spectacular career and appreciation from others. However, I do not think that you can become happy this way (at least I can’t). You can’t build a strong and happy family on independence. You can’t build a strong friendship. You can’t even build good relationships with your colleagues at work. What is the point of life then?
I want to give you one task. Think what area of your life is most unbalanced and what type of help or support can make you more balanced. (Do you need a friend who will help you stick to your workouts? Do you need help around the house? Do you need help making decisions and balancing out your thoughts?) Think of people who can help you and do not be afraid to ask them for help. Are you feeling better now? Next time offer your help to people you care about; do not assume that they want to be independent. Just show them that they can rely on you and find support in you. You will experience a deeper emotional bond with these people (whether they are your parents, friends, children or a partner) and your life will make so much more sense.
Keep it balanced!
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Hello,
Hi Anastasiya,
This is so true! I A lot of us Americans have been encultured to think in value independence as being strong and “dependence” as weak… Most American heroes in our myths and stories are very independent characters, on a lone journey. For this reason, a lot of us tend to isolate rather than reach out, especially when we need help.
But as you point out, humans truly are gregarious creatures. We need other humans. And’s that’s okay, it’s totally natural. Thanks for sharing this!
Cheers,
Miche
Thank you for your support. It seems to me that our focuses in life are somewhat similar (serenity, balance are close terms in my opinion) and this is the reason why we look at this issue similarly.
there is a difference between isolation and independence. I would personally pitch a tent before moving back in with my parents, and I took no such loans in order to move out. This country was declared with the declaration of independence, but the modern use of that word has become just a general positive to be thrown into a speech. What we are looking for is personal responsibility. We don’t want others to have to be responsible for us, even though we want them to be there.
“they prefer taking loans and getting credit to pay for their apartment because living with parents is considered so uncool.”
Nope, I would have to agree with Justin here. I have not lived at home for years and – surprise surprise, WORKED to have my own place. There were not loans or debt involved and I take pride in having built what I have now. I’m proud to say my independence has gotten me an MA degree, my own home, a great job,a peak level of fitness, and… wait for it…… a strong connection with friends, family, and a loving relationship because I am happy with myself and what I can and have accomplished. There is something to be said, regardless of connection to others, about personal fulfillment, self-esteem, and meeting your own goals, which I proudly associate with being able to stand on my own two feet. Despite wanting people around, I also appreciate my job, money, hobbies, and time to develop as myself because (heaven forbid), there may be upheaval in my life which requires me to not only fall back on others, but my own strength. I think you are sadly confusing, as was said previously as well, isolation with independence. I for one would never want to be that housemom who didn’t develop herself only to be left with nothing after a failed marriage (since the divorce rate is pretty much just a flip of a coin).
I am a strong, independent woman who will roar that from the highest mountain top, but who still connects with her parents, friends, and partner on an intimate level. Oh my! My partner has his own life too! His own hobbies! His own friends! Alone time and separate activities, as well as outside connections also keep a relationship healthy. As a female too, there is more to life than kids and husbands, that is not the end-all, be-all for a lot of folks and many of us aren’t impressed just because someone chose that for a happier life.
People do find fulfillment through other things in life than a traditional, rigidly gender roled, basic marriage contract.
I for one will continue to embrace my independence while at the same time letting my family and friends know how much I love them, what they mean to me, and making sure that those in my life, who also make it what it is know that they are important. I may also even have my awesome career now, after putting it on hold for years in school, so I can retire early, travel with my partner, and live the life I have planned ahead for now. Independence = sacrifice, at least to me. I can focus on long-term goals, personal development and accomplishments which will later benefit not only me, but those close to me.
Losing a sense of self for the sake of community is also nothing but upbringing, not a more effective way of life. Devouting yourself to your relationship, your kids, or ideals, without self focus and attention to your own needs is in no way a balanced existence. One can love with all of their heart, care for those around them, make a difference in this world for others, and at the end of the day know that that difference was made not necessarily with a sense of community but because of independent thought, independent action, and an actual love and desire to care. That is independence, the ability to choose your own path, how you will love, what you will choose. Independence is the ability to personally (and hopefully intelligently) weigh your options towards reasonable conclusions that are personally meaningful and fulfilling.
Maybe because you are still young and haven’t been in this country for too long you are basing your experience on pretty limited facts? Who knows, all I know is that I love and embrace other independent people daily who are still wonderful folks, devouted to their own ideals and just living life like the rest of us.
At first I want to clarify one thing: I know there are exceptions to the rule but most young adults that I know of (and there are quite a few of them) prefer to spend borrowed money irrationally instead of saving money and living a life with less debt in the future. I am glad that you Sarah and Justin are these exceptions. If you can afford your own place and if you have a partner to live with then of course go for “independent” living (that’s what I did when I met my future husband).
At the same time I do not think that education and fitness levels have anything to do with independence. I am very fit and I’ve been a fitness instructor for 8 years. I also have a master’s degree with honors in engineering but I chose a different path in life. I work from home now and this job is much more fulfilling both financially and emotionally to me than any white collar job that I know of. And now I can travel with my family anywhere and any time we want to and I do not have to wait until I retire to enjoy my life and to learn new things.
I want to emphasize that I was not talking about isolation and there is a broader meaning to independence than just living on your own, making money and having your own life.
In this post I wanted to make people think about the fact that a lot of us value their independence much more than anything else in the world. You might go in life independently for a long time but then one day something will happen and you will realize that you cannot ask for help or support. The image of a strong independent (I do not think that this adjectives are synonyms though) person won’t let you turn for help to others. None of us are 100% independent. We all depend on something or someone – our employer who makes our “independent” living possible, our partner who makes our life better and brightens every day of our life. We also have our children who make us laugh and cry equally often, our parents who nurture us for so many years and who we never understand until we have our own children and our friends who bring fun in life. All of these people create the community where we live and if something goes wrong with any of them then it influences us in one way or another. Of course in my life I am also appreciative of what God has blessed me with.
It sounds like you do not have children Sarah and this is the main difference between your world and mine. I used to be all independent and self-sufficient until I became a mom and I am sure that my life changed for the better once I lost that “independence.” Parents and people without children can never fully understand each other and once you become a parent your focus in life changes dramatically.
First off:
Pride:
a feeling of self-respect and personal worth
satisfaction with your (or another’s) achievements; “he takes pride in his son’s success”
the trait of being spurred on by a dislike of falling below your standards
a group of lions
be proud of; “He prides himself on making it into law school”
unreasonable and inordinate self-esteem (personified as one of the deadly sins)
Unless you are defining the word in ONLY the biblical sense, it is not a negative. I see all other definitions (minus the lion pride
), especially having self-respect or taking pride in others as well, as positives. Pride as in megalomania or narcissism? Yup – bad news, thological underpinnings aside. That goes hand in hand though with what you have already said about extremes, they don’t tend to helpful or healthy.
I would also disagree that “strong independents” are afraid to seek help but again, totally depends on your definition of independence, there have been a few provided here. I still see independence as pusuing your own goals and interests, societal interdependence aside. Lets face it – I couldn’t build an airplane by myself and a mechanic may not be too interested in arguing about Proust or Dadaism with me. At some point different interests and lifestyles, just by living in a society will intersect, that is the nature of well….. not living in a bubble. Independence is pursing one’s own goals, regardless of where goods or services may be traded in the future. We may all need each other for something, whatever that may be, at some point. Personal development tends to come from your own self-interest and independence in pursuing what you deem to be important, how that then benefits you are society in the pursuit of goods or others is still, at the end of the day, your independent decision.
As far as my own education and fitness level? That was absolutely an independent decision, especially school, since I got ZERO support from family entering into my field and frankly, pride aside, gutted it out on my own, with pretty much nothing, for quite some time. I personally value education and having worked to pay for everything myself (I’m not going to date myself here, I’m much older now, but I moved out of my parent’s home at 17) to pursue what I loved was entirely me (nor have I cohabitated with my partner for most of it, it was just me). If I had not been “strong” or “independent” trust me, I would have been in trouble, there was little to hold me up outside of being stubborn and driven. With fitness – I’m a marathon runner, it just consumes a buttload of time, I’m also a competitive boxer. I enjoy running as a solitary activity where I put on music and go run in the mountains – that “me” time is awesome and I’m blessed to live near some gorgeous wilderness.
On a closing note though – that is a nice picture of your family
(Vlada is a cool name, what is that from?) and I agree with you, that for those who love children and really value family, it is a little hard to wrap your head around people being happy without that lifestyle (that does absolutely go both ways). I also believe that to be a good parent you do lose a lot of independence for your children’s needs and think that that is a personal, positive (and necessary) decision for those who pursue it. Just know though, there are those of us out there that don’t ascribe to that who are equally happy, albiet sometimes rather different folks. Thank you for your thoughtful discourse though 
and enjoy your happy family!
Thank you Sarah for this discussion
I think it added a lot to the post and you showed a different opinion about independence and attitude to life in general. We have a saying in Ukraine that can be translated like “The truth is born in the argument.” I do not support arguments but a healthy debate definitely lets you think outside of the box:-)
Hope to see you again on my blog and hear your thoughts on other topics.
By the way, Vlada is a Russian name. It means “the one who owns”. I am glad you liked it
I think childrearing is the one time of life when almost everyone comes to understand exactly what you are saying here.
You are exactly right
Children change everything in life.
Hi Anastasiya, I know what you are saying here and to a certain extent I agree with you. Over here in the UK we encourage kids to be independent, my two sons can wash clothes, cook, iron, DIY and they are 14 and 12 years old, but it’s to prepare them for independent living, although I would be happy to have them until they got married.
I always liked the idea of all the family staying together like the indian culture, and can see the benefits of that and how the world would be a different place if we all lived like this.
I am not arguing the fact that all of us have to have our own lives and be self-sufficient. After all, that’s the way I was brought up and that’s the way I want to raise my girls. I am talking more of the emotional independence when we think that we must do everything on our own and everything we achieve in life is the product of our independence. I think that this attitude brings up pride in people and being prideful is one of the worst traits one can have (from the religious point of view pride is one the sins that we should be aware of. I am sorry if I get too religious here.)
Steven – there is a lot to be said about the Indian culture and the extended family. Even today, my mother would be delighted if I was to move back home!
Amen to that. I can’t imagine NOT living with my parents if I am in the city, that would be quite insulting and I wouldn’t hear the end of it
. Enjoying stirring a bit of “culture shock” here 
.
To clarify I do agree with much of this article. Just be cautious about lumping younger people all together who just take loans to keep afloat. I was really hoping that my earlier comment would help clear some cultural confusion. I definitely think that if we take independence to an extreme as a few do, that it becomes isolation, but the other extreme is not healthy either.
Thanks for getting back with this comment Justin. As I’ve already mentioned in a previous comment there are always exceptions to the rule. After all, I am in my early twenties and I can be considered one of these exceptions too
). I definitely support self-sufficiency in people but at the same type I believe that it is okay to rely on others and to ask for support when you really need it. There is a difference between being a pain in the neck for your parents and friends (one extremity) and just turning to them when you desperately need advice or help. All of us are independent only to a certain extent and all of us depend on people around us to a certain extent. In my opinion a lot of people today forget about the second part and praise themselves for every achievement in life. That is a straight road to pride and fall in my opinion.
Any type of extremity is not good and I avoid these extremities in my life by trying to reach balance (hey, isn’t it the title of my blog?
It’s nice to have the support of friends and family. I believe most of them also enjoy lending a helping hand…I know I do. Thanks for the great post and congratulations on your anniversary and family success. Great photo.
Thank you so much for congratulations Jai Kai
Excellent post Anastasia – everything you wrote resonated with me.
Firstly congratulations re the second wedding anniversary:-)
Coming from a very close Indian (South Asian) family and having been brought up to believe in doing things for others, I cannot understand people’s need to be “independent”.
Though people in the past have seen me as “Mr Independent” and “Mr Capable” (ie not needing to depend on anyone else!), I have learnt to ask other people for help.
People actually love to help and contribute – and I am learning to be as good at receiving as I am at giving.
From tomorrow onwards, I shall ask even more for help and be completely open to receiving:-)
Thanks again Anastasiya – and go celebrate!
Thank you Arvind for your comment. I think that you understand me better than anybody else in this discussion just because our backgrounds are similar in a way. I also love helping people and supporting them. I find much more joy in doing something for others than I do for myself. I see happiness as a feeling when I can help people around me and bring light and joy into their worlds. If somebody wants to help me then I’ll be glad to accept their support because I know that it will make them happy too
Thanks Anastasiya – I do understand you completely.
The challenge I have and I guess something that you have to be aware of is to be open much more to receiving!
So often in the past I have put myself second and gone out of my way to “help” others. Afterwards I felt resentment, not so much as I felt I was not appreciated or I felt I was being taken advantage of, but I began to wonder what it was about me that was making me do these things for others.
Now I do check in with myself and put myself first in the nicest possible way:-)
Thanks for an excellent post – one yuor best ever. Much more to come I am sure.
I am trying to keep a 50/50 balance between giving and receiving
I feel great doing so 
Hi Anastasiya,
Belated congrats on your anniversary. This post has been very powerful for me. It has given me a chance to reflect on what independence actually is.
I would personally value mental and emotional independence over material independence. Independent thinking, the ability to take various inputs – peer pressure, societal norms, media, marketing – and still do what is best by myself and my loved ones. Being emotionally independent, not allowing any of these factors to emotionally black mail me into “going with the flow”.
Retaining the option to spend a day contemplating and meditating rather than going out to the games. Being open with the fact that family and close friends come high up in my list of priorities when compared to anything else, well, this is the sort of independence I value.
Material independence, having your own pad, car and the other thing to me seems less important that retaining your internal independence. In fact, from an Indian background, I am always used to thinking of material resources as shared by the extended family unit. Not just the partner but parents on both sides and elders in the family
. The concept of individual property ownership within a family is somewhat alien to me.
By that yardstick, Anastasiya, you are more independent than many of us
. To take the decision to put your young family as the top priority shows you and your partner are independent thinkers and that is great inspiration.
Cheers,
Krishna
Hiya, sorry to go off the point here. Just wanted to mention that your Balance In Me Poll does not seem to be working… after voting, the number of voters was not updated. Thought you might want to know.
Thank you very much for notifying me about it. I’ll check into it right away (I was wondering why poll results weren’t changing for a while. Now I know why
)
Thanks Anastasiya,
When I visited a friend in Spain recently, I was moved by the number of families I saw strolling together on the sidewalks…grandparents, parents, grandchildren, all together. They weren’t on their way anywhere, just spending time together, talking, laughing, loving, supporting. When my friend, who lives there in Spain is ill, her sister travels several hours to stay with her, and nurse her back to health. How beautiful. We have so much to learn from each other!
Thank you for reminding me to care for the people I care about.