Subscribe (
Follow on How to Build a Marriage (Relationship) that Will Help You Grow in Life
Posted in Balanced Relationship | April 27, 2010 | 24 Comments
TweetThis post was written by Anastasiya. Follow me on Twitter or StumbleUpon and keep your life balanced!
Image by Really, marriage is the most important relationship that we have in life and this relationship must help us grow too. After all, isn’t our spouse supposed to be our best friend in the first place?
We’ve all probably been a relationship that makes us feel like we are suffocating in our own skin. I know I had a relationship like that (I can’t believe I stayed in it for 3 painful years. But we all need to learn somehow!) and I am happy that I got out of it when I did. Of course when we are talking about marriage simply quitting is not an option.
Marriage (or a serious relationship that you think can lead to marriage) must be a happy coexistence of two people who help each other and support each other. They argue sometimes but they still love each other and forgive no matter what. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but any marriage is definitely a perfect example of balance in life.
I am not a marriage counselor and I don’t have any great life experiences to support any of my ideas (after all my husband and I have been together only for three and a half years). But I am absolutely happy with my marriage in spite of all the life tests that my husband and I had to go through together. I feel that right now both of us are growing in life and I love this feeling of freedom and gentle support that both of us share.
If you are married or if you are just dating somebody please ask yourself a question, “Does this relationship help me grow? Do I give my partner enough room for growth?”
Please share your own thoughts about it in the comment section below and read what I believe is important for a marriage that lets you grow in life.
- Love. Okay, this is pretty obvious and yet this is so important. Love gives us inspiration in life that is vital for growth. Love must be nurtured no matter whether you’ve been together for 4 months or 32 years. This love will give you wings to fly to the top of the highest mountain. Make sure that you always remember why you fell in love with your spouse, what is so special about him/her and always make room for some romance together.
- Passion. We pretty much agreed last week that passion in life is an essential part of life balance. Passion in marriage is just another way of finding your passion in life. I know that some say that passion dies over the years and gives way to friendship, love and deep respect. I want to believe that my passion won’t die any time soon because it makes married life so much fun!
If you can maintain passion in marriage then you will be able to maintain the fire of passion in other areas of your life. Don’t let this passion disappear because your life turns into a boring routine. Try new things, be unexpected, be irresponsible sometimes and remember the excitement of the very first kiss you and your partner had. - Don’t be a martyr. This is especially true for women. As a martyr you might want to do something for your spouse exactly when you don’t feel like doing anything and then say to yourself “I did it for him/her and he/she didn’t even appreciate my effort. I am giving everything I have to this person even though he/she completely does not deserve my love.” This type of kindness and giving thrives on sadness and negative emotions. You can’t grow like that.
- Have a hobby or an interest together. My husband and I have a lot in common and we love to do a lot of things together. We love exercising together, we love our healthy lifestyle, we love exploring nature and we love working online. We always have something fun to do together and we do not limit our time to late nights on the coach in front of a TV or a once-a-month trips to a restaurant.
When you and your spouse have a common interest you will understand each other better. This interest can give you room for growth and it will be just one more thread holding you together. - Give each other some breathing room. While doing something together is important, doing something alone is equally essential. Both husbands and wives can have projects and interests of their own and they must respect each other’s time alone. You are two different people and you both deserve having your own passions and goals.
- Be honest. Honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship. It will let you avoid and get over any conflicts easily, it will let you be open with each other and discuss what is important for each of you. Honesty and sincere communication will let you understand each other no matter what. You will be able to communicate your needs and plans for growth to your spouse. Honesty is really one of the virtues anyone should strive for (in my opinion) and marriage is the best place to start.
- Be generous. You have probably heard that generosity contributes greatly to the feelings of happiness and general satisfaction with life. This generosity must start in your own marriage. It means giving your time without expecting any dividends, giving your love, giving your attention, giving unexpected presents (do you know how great any woman feels when she gets flowers just because?) and giving your understanding. At first it might feel like you are in a one-man performance but if your spouse truly cares about you then he/she will do the same for you. This generosity can later be transformed towards people around you (helping your friends and family, donating to charities, volunteering) and it will give you all kinds of possibilities for growth.
- Ask yourself “Am I doing enough? How can I be a better partner? How can I be a better friend? How can I be a better lover?” These are opportunities for growth to begin with. We all have some room to improve and maybe this is what you need in your marriage. Marriage is a relationship between two people and both of them are responsible for making it work. Talk to your spouse openly and ask how in his/her opinion you can be a better partner. You might discover something new about yourself or your spouse.
- Be financially open. Finances are not an important part of growth but any relationship can suffer if this topic is left undiscussed. You can’t grow if all you think about is who brought the most money home or how to get out of debt that your spouse is constantly increasing. There is no one-fit-all way of setting up family finances and only the two of you can work out the best plan for you. But before you can work anything out you must talk and you must be on the same page about money. Here is a helpful article that talks about here and here)
- Be a positive and grateful person. If you want to grow in life then changes will happen only inside of you. You are the only one responsible for your life and how it will turn out. Yes, marriage is important but only you can make it work.
Start by being positive around your partner, be grateful that he/she is in your life and appreciate what you have. If you feel that you are tired of your partner, just write down everything you love about him/her, everything you are thankful for and look at the bright side of your relationship. After all, every rose has its thorns. Only you can decide what is more important to you in a relationship. - Share spiritual beliefs. Spirituality is the ultimate way of growth. My husband and I are both Christians and I feel that our faith strengthens our marriage and at the same time shows us the way how we can grow in life. I know that not everybody shares religious beliefs (and I am not here to preach to you) but at least you can look at religion as an option. This is the only spiritual way for me but I know that there are others and you can look into them too. (You can find great resources on spirituality here and here)
- Be friends. Marriages based on friendship and similarities tend to be happier and less couples end up in divorce. I know that opposites attract but sometimes attraction is just not enough to hold the marriage together. No matter how your relationship has started you can always make an effort to be friends, to share common interests, to support and understand your spouse and to be there when he/she needs you.
- Help your spouse to grow. I know that sometimes a relationship can feel stagnant and “dead-endy” (remember, the first relationship I was talking about earlier?). Put your effort into helping your spouse find his/her passion in life, support their dreams and gently try to show them what a life of growth is. It is not easy and it will require a lot of effort on your part but it might be very beneficial for your own growth. Just don’t be too pushy and do everything with love and care.
I believe that marriage is not something that just works out without any effort. Any relationship means compromise, adjustments and balance.
I know that my marriage has made me a better person and I am very thankful to my husband for supporting my dreams and being patient with me (only a very patient man could live with a stubborn gal like me 
) Does your marriage (relationship) help you grow in life? Thanks for sharing all your wonderful thoughts in the comments below.
Keep it balanced!
TweetGet in the Balance Zone
| How about joining the exclusive circle of life balance seekers? Subscribe to my newsletter, get all the balanced goodness (and more) and don't forget to download your free Book of Wisdom: 50 Ideas for the all-around balanced life. |
Leave a Reply
Smart Thoughts (24)
Do you want more Balance?
Most Popular
Hello, 
My marriage has helped me grow in unexpected ways, as my husband developed chronic physical and mental health issues a few years into our marriage. Dealing with the challenges and changes has helped me learn to be a more compassionate, flexible, and patient person, which also carries over into other areas of my life.
Jean, you must be a very strong woman if you managed to change in so many areas and go through the changes with your husband. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Those are very timely tips for alot of us Anastasiya.(especially for me) I loved don’t be a martyr advice. Something I used to do in the past. Not anymore for sure!
I truly believe that growing together is essential. That’s the main reason I am getting divorced, no growth together really kills the marriage.
And from knowing your family a little, I think you and your husband’s passion will last for a long long time.
Thank you for your kind words, Lana!
I know that you are doing the right thing with your divorce. I am sure that it is a step that required a lot of courage but I am glad that you have not waited until it’s too late to change anything.
You’re absolutely right Anastasiya. One sure thing of knowing whether you are in a right relationship or not is by asking yourself how are you doing-whether you’re growing as a person or slowly withering away. I had been in a destructive relationship for almost two years. The impact of it to me was so great I had difficulty moving on and letting go of the painful memories of the abuses. I had given all my best into it and fought for it til my last breathe. Until I noticed I was no longer the person I love myself to be. Having mustered all the courage I needed, I walked away and chose to rebuild myself and my life. Now I am happily married and deliberately growing as a person.
I am so happy for you, Nezel! I know that it is not easy to accept the fact that a relationship you have put your heart into is just not meant to be. But it is so wonderful to find your perfect half and realize what true happiness and love is all about.
Hello Anastaysia –
Great post. I love this “There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but any marriage is definitely a perfect example of balance in life.”
We all know our positive and negative points…highlighting negative points will result in a failure in any relationship. Critic is required but to an extent for improvement and not nagging.
I would love to grow old with my husband.
Bye for now,
Cheryl
Cheryl, you are so wonderful! I know that your high standards and your passion for growth will ensure that your husband and you will live happily ever after. Thanks for being such a loyal reader, by the way
Anastayisa -
You have real insight into this topic and are clearly very happy with your husband! I can’t argue with any of your thoughts. I may be repeating myself, but for me my marriage is based on respect, trust and most importantly pure love. My marriage is critical to my ability to be myself and pursue my dreams – I feel like the luckiest person alive.
Thanks for sharing and giving me a big smile,
Phil
Hi Phil,
I guess you read my mind when you said that marriage is based respect, trust and love. If at least one ingredient is missing then this is not a really happy marriage. I know that I am so blessed to have my family and I am glad that you are blessed with your family too. In my opinion, it’s the best life ever.
Anastasiya you’ve hit the nail on the head. You’re not a ‘qualified’ (not a fan of that word) counsellor but enough of a relationship advisor as you’ve got a true, happy successful one. I’ve always thought if someone wants advice on how to find/build/develop a strong partnership why not ask your closest friends and family who have already succeeded? They’ll be more honest and less clinical. After all friendships and relationships are the ‘ships’ of life that take us safely to all the places we need to go.
Wonderful post, sensibly put.
John
Anaatasiya,
We are thinking alike. Ive written several posts recently about relationships, and what you have written make perfect sense.
I recently wrote an article about bids for affection. I am convinced that bids for affection, and how we respond to them, are the most fundamental part of building any relationship, including a marriage. In all of the examples you list, bids are the driving force.
I really enjoy your posts. Thanks and keep em coming.
Chris
I think there is always a “yes” answer to can I do more? Always yes for me in my 38 plus year relationship.
I think I can support my spouse in his own growth. I don’t think I can help him grow. Ya think?
I believe that support is something that any two loving people should share and of course it means support for growth. I think that sometimes we can direct our loved ones in a certain direction and if they like that direction then they will continue to move there on their own.
Hi Anastasiya. As always GREAT POst my beautiful friend. Something my husband and I practiced was appreciation for 1 week. Before the end of the night we would take turns. He would say, “I appreciate you are a great mom, you cook, you listen etc..” When it was my turn I would say, “Thank you for working hard for us, thank you for your understanding, thank you for taking the trash etc..” It could be from the smallest to the biggest. The point was to raise our happiness level. As well as being in GRATITUDE. Needless to say before we sleep we are both filled with increasing level of love and optimism in our life. It works!
Try it!
Thanks for your posts lovely Anastasiya.
I appreciate all that you do
This is a great practice! I must try with my husband. Thanks for your wonderful advice!
Well done.
I think shared interests lead to shared experiences … and that sets you up for more Hallmark moments and fond memories … and I think for growing together, instead of growing apart.
Our “happily ever after” boils down to one simple phrase: All of me and all of you. I have to let my wife love all of me, even the parts of me that I find unlovable. Scary, right? In return I love her for who she is, which is a better deal than loving who I want her to be. After 5 failed marriages between us this seems to be the winning formula. We know we can be (and must be) completely honest and vulnerable with each other. This creates a sense of safety and intimacy I didn’t think was possible. It also gives us the room you talk about to explore and grow to be the people we want to be.
Oh, and gratitude helps. I have a “list” of reasons I love her that I add to all the time. #12- The best tuna fish sandwiches. #437- The cute way she snores and how happy it makes me to know that at least she is sleeping.
This is the best possible advice! I sometimes wonder how my husband can love parts of me that I am definitely not proud of, but he says that he loves them. And I love him with all his imperfections that seem adorable to me.
Thank you for your wonderful comment!
Hi,
Twenty years married and five children. I count myself as a lucky man. I was married before and am grateful to my ex as without the lessons that I learnt with her this marriage would not have been as happy as it has.
When we decided to get married I took a decision that the most important thing for me was that my wife should grow and be happy to be the most that she might become and that might inevitably leave me out of the picture as she might outgrow me for whatever reason, that is love.
I think what you have written is very useful and I would like to add the following that have been key for me:
1. Don’t always to be right, being happy is usually more important.
2. Don’t try and “fix” your partner love them for who they are.
3. Spend a few minutes each day being grateful for all the good things (the bad things come to mind without effort)
4. Be forgiving
Geoffrey, this is the best possible advice for any couple. Thank you!
You are on the right track when it comes to marriage. I always take time to thank my hubby for small things and big things. On the weekend if he is the last one out of the bed he always makes it. I even thank him for going to work. I do work at home trying to build my website, but without him this would not be possible. If I get myself something to drink, I will always ask him if he needs anything and he does the same for me. We always take time to thank each other. And you have to learn to laugh together as much as possible.
Men to have a cave they need to go into sometimes. I just tell him to let me know when he is ready to come out and I do my own thing.
Love is grand
Debbie
I cant imagine quite a few of the web pages My partner and i have been taken to from stumblupon (only just currently this particular web page) I was seeking to pass a few tremendously dreary minutes away, when stumbleupon brought me here. What a useful page you possess Im so happy to have found it I have just passed the last 20 mins going through a few of your articles or blog posts, and have furthermore bookmarked some of them. I will defiantly be returning to learn a little bit more when i have abit more time.
Hi Suzy,
I am glad that this article was helpful to you. I am looking forward to seeing you more here.