Postpartum Depression – My Ways to Fight It

Posted on Balanced Parenting | March 29, 2008 | 2 Comments

When my baby-girls were two days old I experienced the first mild blow of postpartum depression. I was still rather weak after the delivery and I was left all alone with two infants in my room. When they were sleeping everything was okay but then the one of them woke up and started crying. A few minutes later the second one woke up too. I was trying to calm both of them down but they just kept crying louder and louder. I felt so helpless because I could not pick both of them up, I could not caress both of them at the same time, and I did not know how to feed them both simultaneously. At that very moment my husband called me. When he asked what was wrong I just turned into the third weeping girl in the room. So there we all were together, me and my two daughters, crying, crying and crying. My husband left home and got to the hospital as soon as he could to be with me and I was very grateful to him for this.

When I was reading about postpartum depression I never thought that it could happen to me. Thinking logically, how can you be depressed when you have at last given birth to your beloved baby (babies in my caseJ)? How can you cry when you are holding this little child in your hands? How can you be unhappy when your newborn is smiling at your for the first time?

However, I turned out to be completely lost. I was in despair and I didn’t know what to do. The first several days of my motherhood were filled with sorrow and sadness. When I arrived home from the hospital things only got worse. I had some responsibilities around the house, I had to take care of myself, but the babies of course didn’t care at all about all my needs. They were waking up constantly it seemed, they were always hungry and of course crying incessantly. I feel ashamed to write this following sentence but I feel that it has to be said. When I evaluated the situation, I was not sure if I really loved my babies enough and felt that I was robbed of my own life. Now my entire life seemed to be devoted to these two almost constantly crying creatures. At some moments I felt as though I was not even a human any more, but some kind of a milk producing factory. I had to wake up, change diapers, feed the first girl, and then rock her to sleep. By the time I was done with the first daughter the second one woke up and I had to repeat the same thing all over again. Then I had several minutes to go to the bathroom, eat something and after that repeat the whole process once again. I could not even think about the idea of doing anything fun or interesting during this time and to add to that of course was the endless sleepless night that seemed to be driving me out of my mind. When my girls were 10 days old my depression reached its highest point. I spent two days crying. I had all kind of thoughts in my mind such as: I am a bad mother, I am a bad wife, I will not be attractive to my husband any more, I don’t love my babies as I am supposed to, I will never have any time for myself again, I am too selfish thinking about all this and so on.

Well enough about my problems at this point because I am sure everyone has gotten a clear picture of what I was going through. So now it is time to talk about what helped me to overcome these problems.

- First of all - my husband. From the very first moments of our babies’ lives, he started playing with them and he was really happy spending time with both of them. Their crying never seemed to bother him at all and he was always happy to spend every single moment with them that he could. When I had these bouts of crying, he calmed me down and he was always beside me when I needed him.

- My mom helped me a lot too. She helped with the children in the evening after work. She also helped to do some work around the house which really made things a lot easier and of course she supported me in every way possible.

- I have now made a rule for myself – devote at least some time during the day to myself. My appearance has changed a lot and of course I want to return to my former shape as soon as possible. The first thing that I am working on is my stomach (No big surprise I know). It really looks terrible now (at least that’s what I think about it). So I made a rule to spend at least 15-30 minutes a day doing different exercises for my abs and for my back.

- Before my delivery, I had enough time to work at home and could easily finish everything that I needed to. Now I can hardly find time to check my email in the morning. I have not found a way to get back to my work yet but I also understood one thing – my work will always be waiting for me, but my children won’t. It is much more important to forget about all the boring business stuff and spend time with my girls who need me every day and every minute and who will grow up too soon.

- Some days are of course easier, some days are more difficult. But I have to live through all of them. I’ve been thinking of a way to help me get through all of these days and I’ve decided that the perfect solution would be to jot down my thoughts, worries and joys. It clears out my mind and helps me stay balanced. My diary is actually my blog. It contains everything I am thinking about and everything I am concerned about.

- The first weeks with the children seem very tiresome. I have to be with them constantly or almost constantly. Many doctors recommend going out with your child when you have to buy groceries or do some other shopping. It is easy to do with one child, but it is almost impossible to do with two of them. My husband and I agreed that every day each of us will have some “personal free time”. Sometimes it might be only 15 minutes, but still it helps a lot. We go out to buy groceries, to do some shopping or to participate in some other everyday routines.

- I think that one of the reasons that cause postpartum depression is lack of sleep. I am trying to sleep as much as possible, though I am not doing a very good job at it. Sleeping about 5 hours a day is definitely not enough. If I find some time I try to sleep during the daytime. I have also found out that it is one of the best ways to calm my children down. As soon as I lay down with them they fall asleep immediately.

- My body has changed and of course now I need some new clothes. Going to the store still seems almost impossible, so I do almost all of my shopping online. It’s convenient and I can do it even with my babies. And I can still feel like I am a woman instead of some milk producing factory.

- It is always good to spend some time with my beloved husband. Doing things from our “pre-delivery” lifestyle helps us to relax a bit. Watching a video clip together or a short movie, having meals together, cooking together – these things really help us get used to our new life.

- Now I try not to stress myself about different household routines. I know that I have people who will help me and I do not have to prove everybody that I am a jack of all trades. Now I am a mother and the rest is much less important. This thought alone completely wipes out any form of depression that is trying to creep into my mind.