Are You a Social Chameleon?
Posted on Balanced Mind and Soul | February 27, 2010 | 29 Comments
This post was written by Anastasiya. Follow me on Twitter or StumbleUpon and keep your life balanced!
Image by One of the biggest treasures that we have in life is our individuality. Whether it is an original smile, an extraordinary sense of style, peculiar humor, deep compassion, special talent or the way we see the world – all these things make us who we are.
I noticed that sometimes we forget about our individuality and try to blend in with our surroundings. We act like chameleons who want to look exactly the same as their environment. For chameleons this is a defense strategy, is it the same for us?
Sometimes it takes a lot of effort and courage to maintain our individuality no matter what. We risk being laughed at, we risk losing friends or a job, we risk our relationships, we risk being misunderstood and feeling like losers.
You do not think about it until you meet a perfect guy or girl who you want to date and who does not support your beliefs (anything from religion to nutrition.) You do not think about it until you get a new job where everybody thinks that your style is ridiculous (and constantly mentions it to you.) You do not think about it until you get to a party where nobody understands your jokes and looks at you like you are an alien from another planet. You do not think about it until you move to a new country (and sometimes even a city) where everything is so different from what you are used to. At that point your only desire is to blend in and not to stick out like a sore thumb.
I think this is a built-in survival instinct that makes us blend in and lose our individuality. Unfortunately, when we lose our individuality we also lose happiness in life. We lose that inner balance that keeps us afloat and lets us withstand any of life’s storms.
I didn’t realize it until I moved to the US. For the first few months I was fascinated with the culture and with everything that this country had to offer. I wanted to embrace it all and to become as natural in this environment as possible. I tried to dress like an American girl, I was speaking only English in public places (my husband is fluent in Russian, so most of the time we speak English and Russian 50/50) and I tried my best to act like an American. After a few more months I understood that I was not happy with whom I became. I didn’t want to blend in anymore and I was happy to show my individuality (cultural in my case) anywhere I went.
I do not care when people look back at me when they hear the Russian language. I feel great when I am overdressed (in the American opinion) while shopping or going to a family restaurant. I feel absolutely comfortable exercising in my backyard when all my neighbors see me doing some weird Yoga pose or fighting an imaginary punching bag.
I know that most of you do not live in foreign countries however you still face situations where the easiest route seems to blend in and to go with the flow. This is not the easiest route in the long run though. When you try to be like everybody else you become empty and blank. There is nothing that will tell people around you “WOW, what an interesting person!”
Maintaining and showing your individuality will make you bold (in a good sense of course), it will make you feel comfortable in any situation and it will definitely improve your self-esteem (if you have any issues with it.)
A year ago my husband and I went on a road trip to Florida. We stopped at St Augustine to look at the remains of the Castillo de San Marcos fortress. The fortress was amazing and the landscape was so calming and peaceful. There was a yogi meditating on one of the terraces of the fortress. He was beautiful in his calmness and stillness. There were hundreds of people walking past him but it didn’t bother him a bit. Then there was a group of silly teenagers who started picking on him but he remained calm and speechless. He didn’t want to blend in even though he knew that he would be laughed at and not understood by people around him. This is an image that I will always keep in my head.
If you feel that you try to blend in sometimes then try this simple exercise.
First of all think of any situations when you were hiding your individuality in order to make people around you like you or treat you like an equal. What is your individual trait that makes you stick out like a sore thumb in these situations? I want to ask you to be YOU in each of these situations. After all, why do you have to adjust your behavior in order to seem “normal” in somebody else’s eyes? All it takes is a big breath and a winning smile and you are ready to go (and be you!)
Please tell me about your experience in showing your individuality and trying not to blend in. Being YOU is the best and only strategy to live a balanced and happy life.
Keep it balanced!
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Hello,
A curiosity of my life which I have my parents to thank for is that I do not recall any point in time where I really stopped being myself to impress others. This has given me my own voice, though I can not say that this has been completely without regret. I do wish I was better at small talk, but overall you are absolutely right. It is better to be hated for who you are than it is to be loved for who you are not.
You are right with that saying Justin. I am glad that your parents did such a great job at raising such a wonderful person!
Anastasiya, thought provoking post. I can definitely relate to those situations were individual beliefs and persona run head long into the beliefs and persona of a new friend or colleague. I remember a few instances, especially back in high school, where being well liked was more important than being true to who I was. These always ended badly.
Still, the skills I developed as a social butterfly in high school have a use. In fact, I think that being somewhat socially morpheus has value, and can even be a part of your individuality/personality. I know that different groups require different approaches, especially as you are first getting to know them. I use different social rituals and even speaking styles when I relate farmers on the high-line of Montana, my college professor friends, my old Navy buddies, and the non-profits I work with. I think of all of these ways of acting as different facets of myself, that allow me to be socially graceful in any situation. This, in turn, helps others open up to me and give of themselves, precisely because they feel we are somewhat alike and that I can relate to them.
It’s okay to be a bit of a chameleon, but you are absolutely spot on about treasuring your individuality. Even in diverse groups, the more time you spend “among the natives” the more everyone lets their guard down and shows their own individuality. I just not sure if I would have gotten to know and gain the value of some of my friends and their unique insightful ways of looking at the world had I worn my individuality like a flag.
Perhaps I’m wrong, but maybe being a bit of a chameleon can be part of your individuality.
Donovan, people are different and we all choose our best strategies to survive. Trying to understand people and their ways of living or behaving can be best done if I dive into their environment. You can try on the mask and see if it fits you but you cannot be wearing that mask all the time, right? Under that mask you are still you and you need to have ways to express your individuality in some way. You cannot live somebody else’s life if you do not feel that it is interesting or exciting for you.
I am talking about being a social chameleon in the long run. Hiding your true nature, adjusting your behavior to the people around you while you do not feel like this is the best environment for you, being somebody who they want to see not somebody who you are.
Business world is especially full of chameleons, this is part of the game. You are trying to gain trust and to show people why they need to choose you. You get paid for it and if you feel comfortable dong it then this is a very good business strategy (it allows you to reach more people).
Being a polite person who is able to accept other people around him/her no matter what their insights or opinions are is also a sign of individuality (a very good one).
I think that you are talking more about being open to the world around and accepting that world the way it is. I think that it has more to do with curiosity rather than social “chameleoinism.”
Hi Anastasiya – excellent post! You found a unique way to remind me to watch how I approach my interactions with people and my self.
I think you learn to be a chameleon at a young age. Much of my younger life was actually going against the grain rather than trying to blend in but this approach was not balanced nor a true picture of my Self.
Since I find that I see life differently than those close to me, I am working on expressing my thoughts as elegantly as possible (rather than forceful)while not being attached to whether they accept my perspective or not. This is also the lesson I learn each time I create a post.
It can take a lifetime to dare to be your self in all situations but you are absolutely right that true happiness cannot be achieved until this is in alignment. Thank you
Monica you’ve found the perfect word to describe the behavior I do not like (and do not promote in any way) – “forceful”. It is so important to be gentle while still being yourself. Expressing your thoughts in a gentle and balanced way, showing your individuality rather than imposing it on the people around you.
It is important to find a balance between being ourselves in all situations and not offending people around us (especially the ones we love) with our behavior or words.
The analogy that I have in my mind is hammer and water. Both are true to their nature but water can get over any obstacle in a gentle and mild way while hammer will destroy everything (and itself eventually) by going directly through the obstacle. I always choose to be water. It is a balanced and creative way.
Interesting post, and food for thought. I find I do hide pieces of myself, and it is to insure survival.
Hi Kate,
Survival is an important reason for us to hide pieces of ourselves but there are always creative ways how you can survive and yet show your individuality. You just have to decide for yourself which situations are worth your unhappiness and pretense and which are not.
Anastasiya,
This is a truly magnificent post. I can totally relate to your experiences living in a foreign country. I too have lived in foreign countries, and it is always like an adventure holiday for the first 6 months, then the reality that things are very different begins to sink in. For me as an American living (at different times of course) in England and in Japan I was faced with the reality that *not everybody wants to live the way we do in America!!*
It was tough to not compare the way things were in those different places with how they were in the US, but after about a year of denial and frustration I finally learned to accept and embrace those cultures for what they were. After I did that, life was once again an adventure.
So I guess I did begin to blend in, but was able to keep my own individuality because as I accepted those cultures I was better able to be accepted by them. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I am new to your blog. But I must say you write some very profound posts and I have enjoyed every one that I have read.
I also must commend you on your mastery of the English language. I too speak a second language (Russian in fact), and I only aspire to master Russian as well as you have mastered English.
Chris
Anastasiya,
Great thought provoking post.
My personal experience is pretty much like most people. I had this illusion that being like everyone else was a good way to belong. Little did I know that I felt more alone and alienated by doing it. I became a stranger to myself.
I have moved to Canada from the other side of the world. There were times when I wished I just can be like everyone else. The thing is no one is like anyone else. So I’m with you in celebrating our own individuality.
Thanks again for making me think
You are welcome Manal! Let’s be ourselves no matter where we are in life. It is so wonderful!
Maybe you can write me something in Russian, Chris
I feel that i start forgetting my native language because I read and write everything only in English now. If you are interested just shoot me an email through the contact form.
Just being me 100%.
I am really glad that you can relate to my experience of living in a foreign country. I think that this is a very liberating experience that lets you grow in so many ways. It does have its challenges but the benefits are so much more! I am glad that I have rediscovered my individuality and learned to express myself in any possible way more freely. It does not get any better than this
And thank you for your comment!
Yay for being You! You know I totally loved this post. I was shy because of my Russian accent when I moved to US. I now treasure it and hope I won’t lose it, it makes me different and unique. It makes me ME.
This post is really different from all other posts I read on your blog. There are no bullet points/action steps at the end and there is just some special energy coming from it.(not that I don’t like bullet points with action steps, I love them and I think that’s what makes your blog so incredibly useful), but this post is definitely different in a good and special way. Loved it! Thanks Anastasiya!
You are welcome Lana. I tried to break away from the usual style of writing with this post. So far it has been pretty successful
Anastaysia, great post. Very well written and succinct, I like it.
My trait that makes me feel different is that I chose to stop drinking alcohol. I’m a Snowboard Instructor and I don’t drink. This is a very strange thing for most people. I find it hard becuase everyone else finds it challenging when I’m out at a bar or club etc. I find that people try to influence me to fit in with “their” lives, rather than doing what’s best for me.
I can’t drink. I had a drinking problem, I will still have a drinking problem, if I drink again.
It took me a lot of time and courage to make this choice. It’s been over a year now (Jan 09) and I feel great about myself. I have to constantly remind myself that it is the best thing for me, and not let others try to make me drink.
Thanks.
Hi Dave,
Your self disclosure and continued abstinence shows who you are: a person of conviction, character and strong personal fortitude. While it can be difficult to stand out, I am confident that most will respect you for your decisions and self-awareness. In effect, they will respect and admire you for being you.
Those who don’t may be attempting to project their own weaknesses.
Stay strong brother!
Chris
Dave, thank you a lot for sharing your story with us!
I agree with Chris. People around you who try to convince you that you need to drink just do not feel comfortable about themselves. They feel that they would never be able to do something like this themselves and it makes them feel weak. They want you to be one of them and they do not care about the consequences that drinking might have for you.
You have your passion in life (teaching snowboarding)and your blog is coming along too and alcohol can never give you any of these wonderful achievements.
Keep being yourself Dave!
People just want to be loved. That’s why sometimes they want to fit in and they are doing things they really don’t want. What we don’t understand sometimes is what we lack in self love.
You are right zmayeva. Self love is also at the core of being yourself. You can’t be yourself if you do not love yourself and if you do not love yourself then why should anybody else? This is a vicious cycle that we can easily break with our bold and gentle at the same time actions.
Anastasiya,
You raise some great points here. I enjoy reading self-development blogs, but I’ve often hesitated to post comments because of the fact that I’m a priest. Often times the thought has gone through my head: people are going to see my picture and think, “What the heck is this guy doing here? He should be on some Catholic or other religious blog.” I guess my temptation has been to blend in WITHOUT PARTICIPATING in the discussion…just remaining in the background. Not sure if that makes sense to you. The fact is that we’re all brothers and sisters in the human family and we all have something to offer. We can all benefit from one another. Thanks for your thoughts.
Fr. Michael,
I am so glad that you have decided to start commenting on my blog and to stop blending in. I am very happy about it not only because I have a new reader and a new commenter but because I feel honored to get comments from a priest, a person I deeply admire.
Today people have so many views on religion in general and personal development sphere is the worst in this sense because a lot of p.d. bloggers are not believers. A lot of times I do not agree with what the bloggers say and now I tend to clearly state my point of view in the comments (without offending anybody, just showing my personality.) It is definitely one of those situations where you risk being laughed at, misunderstood and losing readers but I cannot pretend that I am somebody else. A lot of my beliefs, my lifestyle and my life balance come from balance with God.
Thank you again for being my reader. I truly appreciate it!
Anastasiya,
I love the topic! Being true to ourselves is almost a mantra for me. It started with my high school commencement speech, A Different Drummer (based on Thoreau and about marching to your own drumbeat “however measured or far away”). I looked back a few years ago and realized I have pretty much lived my speech.
There are times, though, in unfamiliar situations where I can feel slightly disoriented. As you point out, going to a different country or just placing oneself in unfamiliar surroundings, can bring up for me a mild sense of discomfort if I don’t get the warm responses I am accustomed to in familiar surroundings.
Yet, this is what I value about placing myself in these situations (fortunately I don’t tend to be high anxiety in new circumstances). It provides an opportunity, as you point out so well, to be ourselves.
Part of what pushes the envelope for me is entering situations where I have no clue what I’m doing and the other participants are great at it. Why? I like being good at what I do! Yet, I realize that is about image and I don’t want that to rule my life. So, I jump in anyway!
Example: I love going to dance jams, freestyle dancing, yet I am not a dancer. So, I am not as suave as the professionals there. Hoola hooping is BIG and I don’t know a damn thing about it, but I LOVE it. So, silly as I look compared to the experts, I join in anyway! Why? Because it is FUN and life is short. I’m here for the ride!
Good for you to be yourself. I can honestly say I don’t know of much that is more important. If we are not true to who we are, we leave this life unlived. I don’t plan to do that and it doesn’t sound as if you do either!
Great article!
Fr. Michael,
I for one am happy to see you here. Diversity is to me the best offering we can experience and learn from. Thank you.
Thanks you for sharing your life experience with us Lauren. I really appreciate it and I am glad that I can unite more people who choose to be true to themselves on this blog.
Dear Anastasiya, thanks for a grate post! I am native Ukrainian, but you know that many people speak Russian in Ukraine. Thus since childhood I used to speak Russian in public places and Ukrainian – at home. Few years ago I decided to make no compromises any more. Since then I speak Ukrainian everywhere because it’s convenient for me. And you know what I found? Other people are not surprised. They accept it as my individuality. I can say that this exprience made me musch stronger!
I can speak both Russian and Ukrainian but I have always preferred Russian (it just depends on the environment where you grow up, I guess.) I do have a few friends who speak only Ukrainian even though they grew up in Russian-speaking families and I admire them for their determination.
Most people respect the will and the strong belief that you have no matter what kind of a belief it is. People respect others who are brave up to step up for their rights and their individuality. These people are always inspiring and amazing (and I am sure that you are one of them!) This is exactly why I consider not being a social chameleon such an important part of living a wonderful and fulfilling life.
Individuality is a personal choice we must either accept or reject. While blending in with the systems is good, we are at risk of living a life of conformity. By enforcing our individuality we can do things that will be of influence on others. Great people I have known have this quality of being true to themselves.
It’s wonderful to travel and be exposed to various cultures and lifestyles–it makes us aware of the many egoic roles we all have inside of us. Being multi-cultural and multi-lingual and open helps us broaden.
Thanks, great post!